


Any last words

by angelof221b



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1997121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelof221b/pseuds/angelof221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are in a situation only one of them will come out alive. Sherlock knows it's not gonna be him, so it's time to say something. Say something that he should have told John at that airport. Something he should have told him after their first case together, actually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Any last words

He is looking at me expectantly. "What?" I spat out, athough knowing perfectly well what he is intending. He thinks that, like always, I will come up with a way out. I glance his way, waiting for the question he'll ask in about 30 seconds, the question to which I have a thoughtful response. This answer will leave him confused, insecure and simply doubting but I don't care because so am I.  
What he doesn't know is that there is only one option that will allow him to come out alive here and I am well aware of the fact that he won't like this very option. However, there is no other way. I will simply not allow him to die, which will happen if I don't fulfill my plan. John might be a survivor but I somehow doubt that he will accept a plan that involves my inevitable decease. "Not that he is in any place to choose anyway" I think to myself while mentally preparing myself for the monologue John will get from me. There are multiple very important things I have to tell him, one the most important confession I have ever given anyone. None of them ever said before due to a lack of time, possibility and why not admit it. A lack of bravery. But now is not the time to dwell on old memories. I watch his face for the signs of recognition that start to spread over his face. 30 seconds.  
"What is going on Sherlock? What is our plan? You have one don't you? Please tell me you have a bloody plan!" Curse words. He's always using them when things get heated up. Most people think this is due to a lack of control and poor upbringing wheras it marks those who use it as more honest because they are obviously used to show their emotions and therefore more likely to do so in every situation. Most people are just stupid. Not John though. He's different. But then, he always has been. I open my mouth to speak but John seems to have read my face and analyzed wrongly. "You don't. Oh my god you don't. We'll die. We'll really die this time. Bloody brilliant." He takes a deep breath and I decide that it's time for my speech.  
"John. Of course I have a plan. It's simply not a very favourable optoin but we'll make do. You're not going to die." It was the truth. He won't. I just hope he won't analyze my phrasing and realize the error in it. He will, of course, live. But solely he will.  
He visibly calms down, his face expectant again, waiting for me to explain our amazing escape. His eyes are big and hold some affection. For me? More likely for my ability to keep us away from death's door and again I wish this could all be said and done under different circumstances and find myself mentally cursing this day. Not that the date is in any way responsible for my own underestimated stupidity to bring us into this situation. Every day I seem to get more human. I despise it.  
"John. Before I can tell you about our escape, there are other things I need to tell you. In case we get separated." I try to make my voice sound as reasonable as possible, partly for him to not get suspicious and partly for me to be more self-confident. „Of which the chances are relatively high, considering all angles" I go on, watching John's mouth close again, his already- answered question on his lips.  
"When I partnered myself with you, I expected the ordinary. You are the example of an ordinary person with ordinary problems. Boring. Or so I thought. But you surprised me, which by the way is something no one except Mycroft occasionally manages. As ordinary as you may seem on the first look, as dull your background looks like and as overlooking you'd think you are, you are none of these. You are a lot more than just a soldier returning from war. Where most people would stop enjoying themselves, you'd have only just started to. You are in many ways a much more interesting man than I thought. Not many people would have shot that cabbie for a man they'd just met. You did and I think I never thanked you for that, although I really appreciated it. And still do. At some point you made something possible I never would have thought anyone would be able to. You made me care. When I said I don't have friends I meant it and you just came into my life and made me question my beliefs on relationships and friendship because you melted my assurance of how much it is a disadvantage. Things got better with you. Solving crimes, eating, hunting down criminals, life generally.. improved. You made it all more fun. People realized this of course, as I expected them to. Moriarty, Magnussen, even my brother. They came for me through you. You got questioned, blackmailed, tortured and threatened. All of that just because of the minor fact that you like spending your time in my company. At some point, I swore to myself that I would protect you. Not that you couldn't do that yourself, but just to ensure that no one will ever think about the possibility of ending your life simply to worsen mine. It would even work! I am in the dangerous state where I couldn't function properly without you here. This is an enormous disadvantage because I need to consider now your angle too, everytime I make a decision. It slows me down, weakens me and narrows me down. Still I am glad to have a friend like you. I think I never said that like this but you should know, as ridiculous as it may sounds." John looked at me in amazement and confusion as I take a deep breath. The worst part was still to come. My confession. And my plan of course. "Do you remember our talk at the airport before I... before Moriarty came back?" His eyebrows pull together and he nods. "Y0u wanted to tell me something. Something important but I think you chose against it." he said and now it's my turn to look amazed. He really does know me well.  
"Exactly. I considered it and I think it's time to tell you, even if you don't like to hear what I have to say." He sits up straight, his torso moving towards me, curious. For a short moment I consider telling him some lie but it wouldn't be right. I want him to know. "I care about you. More than I should and probably more than it is sane. You are a very loyal, honest, friendly and caring man and I value your friendship more than anything. And I think ... somewhere over the way... I think I fell in love with you." I did not wait to let him process that, partly because I know we don't have much time left but also because I'm uncomfortable with the idea of how he might react, if he had the time. "That is what I wanted to tell you at the airport but I thought of it as inappropriate. Now I think it's my duty to tell you. So you would understand my plan. Otherwise you would think of me as probably insane but I'm not. I'm simply driven by and unable to overcome my emotions and my need for you to be save. You are my first priority now and I will make sure you have a long life.I replayed everthing in my head. They will come shortly now to execute us. I will offer my secrets and myself willingly if they let you free. I know them and their thinking processes. They will agree and you will be able to go home. Don't try to object because it's no use. I made up my mind and this is the only option that will allow you to walk out of this alive.”  
He opened his mouth … and closed it. His eyes were watery (sentiment?) and he looked confused, as if not sure what to make of my little speech. I’m sure he does though. He doesn’t look as genuinely surprised as he could have been. My love towards him has obviously been a possible outcome of all of this. Why? How was he able to read signs even I couldn’t decipher? But then, if there was one thing John was superior in, then it was human interactions. How long had he known? My thoughts came to a sudden stop when I heard a door squeaking open in the distance. They are coming. I turned around to look at John and finding his look already fixed on me, overcome his speechlessness and ready to speak. “Don’t. I swear to god Sherlock don’t do this. You are not doing me any favours here. I know how living without you feels like and I’d rather not experience it again. Listen, I … all this, all you’ve said, I thought about this for quite a long time lately. Since the airport. I … god,you know I’m not good at this. There is something between us. I know it and so do you. I just … please don’t die for me, that won’t make anything easier. I’m not good at saying this stuff but … I can’t live without you okay? I can’t. It’s dull and sad and I hate it. So please if there is any possibility. Think. And get us out of here. Both. “ He looks desperate but also … was it possible? Happy? I didn’t know and I didn’t really have time to dwell on John’s facial expressions. I entered my mindpalace again. Maybe there was a way. For both of us.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this :)  
> I hope you liked it and I would really really appreciate it if you would give me some feedback, if you don't mind, as it's good carma. ;)


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